DOMESTIC VIOLENCE: STALKING

For some women, it's just like Neil Sedaka sang almost 40 years ago, Breaking Up Is Hard To Do." Although national violent crime rates are down in both Canada and the U.S., domestic violent crime rates continue to increase. There are two reasons for this: (i) more women are reporting instances of abuse and/or harassment; (ii) recently enacted laws give better protection to women.

Foremost among these new enactments are laws designed to prevent stalking' and other forms of harassment. Prior to 1989, police were powerless to assist people, and particularly women who were being stalked by former intimates.

The American National Institute of Justice (NIJ) reported this week that stalkers pursue over one million women every year. One woman in twelve in the U.S.A. has been stalked at least once in her life and my criminal and family law practice tells me Canadian numbers are similar. U.S. Attorney General, Janet Reno, said "[the study] indicates that stalking is a bigger problem than we thought...... Stalking is an act of terror that builds a prison of fear around its victims."

Female victims reported that 59% of their stalkers were ex-boyfriends or husbands. 80% said they had been assaulted by their stalkers. Women are four times as likely to be stalked than men. Most stalking victims know the stalkers but 23% of women are stalked by strangers as are 36% of men.

Your Rights Commonly Forgotten by Victims of Domestic Violence

You have the right to joy. to a life without any abuse. to make your own decisions about your future. to be human and to make mistakes. to change your mind, plans, and goals. to laugh. to sleep the whole night through. to eat what you want when you want. to visit with family and friends. to privacy. to be treated with respect. to not hide the actions of another (the guilt doesn't belong to you). to go where you need and want to go. to love. to do what you want (and accept responsibility for that). to be healthy. to feel hurt and to cry. to be angry and to say so. to say "no" without feeling selfish or guilty. to not need another's permission to do things. to share your thoughts and emotions. to a life without shame. to be complimented without sarcasm. to live without the fear of abuse. to assistance from the police. to financial independence. to work in your choice of jobs. to not be patronized or put–down. to develop your own identity and talents. to be safe. to be loved. to be with a partner that you love and like. to ask questions. to change yourself in the ways you want to. to control your own appearance. to not be humiliated. to not be threatened or intimidated. to protect yourself and your children. to your personal beliefs. to the truth. to help yourself. to succeed. to choose your own friends. to be at least as angry at or fearful of a lover as you would at a stranger who did the same things to you. to share plans and decisions that affect you both. to not be interrupted. to have your thoughts and opinions listened to, and seriously considered to feel how you feel — not necessarily how you've been told to feel. to be right without being made to feel guilty. to be comforted by your partner. to your sexual interests, desires, and fulfillment being as important as your partner's. to not be harassed by a partner "checking on you". to come and go without having to "report in" with details about where you went or what you did or who you saw. to have friends of both sexes without accusations of unfaithfulness to fulfilled promises. to survive . and to live!

Note: If you have been the victim of domestic violence, please e-mail me . What happened? Did you tell anyone about it? Why or why not? Did you seek help? Why or why not? If you did seek help, did you get it? May we publish your story here? We'll do it anonymously, unless you give specific permission to use your name and/or e-mail address.

Know a man who may be battered? Print out this page and give it to him. Often, it'll be enough to get him to talk to you about it -- if not right away, perhaps in a bit. And talking to another man about it is the first step in healing -- in survival. Remember: TV star and comedian Phil Hartman never talked about his marital problems, either, except to joke about having to leave the house when his wife was mad. He told everyone the marriage was wonderful -- as so many men do.

Why don't men seek help?

A therapist man who had to deal with abuse issues in his own life posted an answer to that on Usenet. Doug Flor was formerly a project coordinator for the Department of Child and Family Development and the Adolescent Development Research Program, Institute for Behavioral Research, The University of Georgia.

Yes, you may cross post the message. Making it anonymous is not necessary, people may think I was a woman and that is something I wish to avoid. As a victim of spousal abuse from my former marriage partner, Why did I not leave? Go to a shelter? Get help anywhere?

First, I loved my former spouse. Even though she had a problem with violence, there was more to her than just the abusive behavior. I sought to work out the problem. She refused to admit that she "had a problem" (something many women's groups deny today, as well).

Second, I love my children. I felt that by being an active parent I could moderate or deflect any abuse that might be inflicted on the children. Today, they are adults. But I know that the courts don't give a man a fair shake when it comes to custody. A man can't be just a good father in order to gain custody of his children, he has to prove the mother to be incompetent. This only makes an adversarial situation more adversarial and we know that the single biggest predictor of emotional and behavioral problems in children is open hostile conflict between parents. I was unwilling to "go to bat" for my children as it would mean subjecting them to more negative behavior. By staying in an abusive relationship, I was able to assure myself that I would have access to my children and that they could see that there was a different way to have a relationship with a parent.

Third, there is a stigma attached to being a male victim of spousal abuse that even permeates our field. I had a discussion with a male professor at one university (in a family department) that refused to believe that a woman could be abusive. Try talking as a male victim to others that you are a victim of this kind of behavior and you will get such reactions as this, or reactions that imply: "you wimp", or "why don't you take it like a man", or "you must be a controlling man or she wouldn't do that", or "you must be abusive too".

These are a few reactions I have encountered by people in our field. How could I expect to have any kind of understanding from people who were NOT expected to understand families (police, etc). While I did encounter some people in this field who were understanding, it was still very embarassing for me on both the personal and professional levels.

Fourth, there are VERY FEW programs (if any) designed to help battered males. We just passed a bill called the Defense of Women's Act targeting all kinds of money for female victims of spousal abuse, but what about the men in this situation? By refusing to earmark monies to programs that are inclusive of men, we deny that a problem exists (that women can be abusive) and perpetuate an implicit message that it is perfectly OK to abuse men. THIS IS A SERIOUS PROBLEM.

Fifth, even when researchers use data sets that could illuminate the problem of familial violence by forming a theoretical framework that isn't biased (or blind), they get attacked by the more radical, extremist political agendas of groups who wish to exclude, hide, or just ignore the issue by focusing only on the "real" victims of spousal abuse.

The political agenda of these various groups say that they can only look at one type of abuse (because it is "more important"). And while some give lipservice to the issue of male victims, they rarely, if ever discuss the issue without revictimizing men who have experienced abuse. Where is the "ethic of caring" in that?

The betrayal of a prime theoretical supposition to maintain a blindsightedness because it fails to meet their political agenda makes me highly suspect of these groups. They seem to have an axe to grind and they would rather remain blind, intolerant, and uncaring than to admit their political agenda is driving their theory and research.

Familial violence, whether it is perpetrated by a male or female, on an adult male or female (or child, whether male or female) is wrong.

But in trying to ascertain why it is perpetrated and why individuals stay in abusive relationships is very complex. Most of the reasoning, research, help, and content is still blind to the issue of male victims.

doug flor

What can you do? Talk about it. Too often, men feel a "double shame," the shame that a battered woman feels, and the "man's shame" of being beaten up by a woman and being mocked or laughed at for it. Don't wait until she cuts you open with a kitchen knife. If she's unreasonably jealous or controlling, if she's a "control freak," if she slaps you around or throws things, if she starts to destroy things that are personally important to you, don't ignore the signs! It's not going to get any better! Watch out for your own safety!